Episode 6: The Hidden Grief of Becoming Too Competent — A Reflection for Women Over 40
Have you ever looked at your life and quietly thought, "I don't recognize myself anymore"? If this week's episode stirred sadness, grief, or the feeling of being invisible in your own life — nothing has gone wrong. In this Integration Session of The Joy Shift, Kiley Suarez gently holds space for the grief that can surface when a high-achieving woman over 40 realizes how much of herself she adapted away in the process of becoming so capable.
This is not failure. It is adaptation. And for many women, that adaptation came at a quiet cost: self-abandonment.
What This Reflection Explores
Why identity loss in midlife is not dramatic — it is subtle. You did not disappear in one moment. You adapted, one act of competence at a time. You met the family's needs. You managed the career demands. You carried the emotional labor. You became reliable, capable, and useful. And somewhere along the way, you became harder to find — not invisible to others, but invisible to yourself.
The grief of not recognizing yourself. What lands hardest for many women is not the framework or the language. It is the grief. The grief of realizing how long you have been adapting. How well you learned to perform, manage, and carry. How somewhere in all of that, you became a stranger to yourself. That grief is not a sign something went wrong. It is a sign you were paying attention.
Rediscovery begins with attention, not answers. The woman you are looking for did not go anywhere. She is still here — in what you notice, in what draws your attention, in what makes you feel briefly alive. You do not have to excavate her all at once. You only need to stay curious, gentle, and present with whatever comes up.
Your Gentle Practice This Weekend
Instead of asking "Who am I now?" — try sitting with this one question:
"What did I love before I became so useful?"
You do not need to act on the answer. You do not need to make meaning of it. Just notice what surfaces.
This Episode Is For You If:
•You have quietly thought "I don't recognize myself anymore"
•You feel invisible in your own life despite being highly capable
•You are navigating a midlife identity shift or career transition
•You are experiencing grief about the woman you used to be
•You have adapted so much for others that you are not sure who you are outside your roles
•You are exploring life coaching for women over 40
Connect the Dots
This episode is a companion reflection to Episode 5: Why the Most Competent Women Disappear From Their Own Lives — Identity Archaeology for Women Over 40. If you have not listened yet, start there.
Are you ready to finally give yourself permission to want more? 🙌
👉 https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter— Sign up for my FREE newsletter and start shifting from "I should be grateful" to "I can have this too." 🩷
And if you haven't yet, take two seconds and hit the Follow button right here so you never miss an episode. It means the world to me, truly.
Whether you found this show on your own or someone who loves you sent it your way, welcome to The Joy Shift podcast family. This episode is not just for you. Please share it with every woman in your life who is successful on paper but still searching for something more. It could change everything for her.
It is such an honor to do this work alongside you. And please note: I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
📺 Subscribe to the YouTube Channel
Follow me here: Instagram TikTok Facebook Website
Sign up for The Joy Shift newsletter at https://kileysuarez.myflodesk.com/newsletter
Transcript
Before we begin, let's take a breath together.
Speaker A:Before anything else, I want to acknowledge something quietly.
Speaker A:If this week's episode stirred sadness or grief or a sense of loss alongside the recognition, that's not a sign something went wrong.
Speaker A:That's a sign you were listening.
Speaker A:Let's slow this moment down together.
Speaker A:Here's what I think was really happening underneath this conversation.
Speaker A:For many women, what landed hardest this week wasn't the language or the framework.
Speaker A:It was the grief.
Speaker A:The grief of realizing how long you've been adapting, how capable you've become, how well you've learned to perform, manage and carry responsibility, and how somewhere along the way, you became harder to find.
Speaker A:Not invisible to others, but invisible to yourself.
Speaker A:So if you caught yourself thinking, I don't even know who I am anymore, that isn't a failure.
Speaker A:That's what competence can cost.
Speaker A:Sometimes you become very good at meeting needs, at being useful, at keeping things moving.
Speaker A:You didn't disappear.
Speaker A:You adapted.
Speaker A:And adaptation isn't failure.
Speaker A:It's survival.
Speaker A:Here's what I want you to hold on to.
Speaker A:The woman you're looking for didn't go anywhere.
Speaker A:She's still here.
Speaker A:In what you notice, in what draws your attention, in what makes you feel alive, even briefly.
Speaker A:You don't have to excavate her all at once.
Speaker A:You don't have to figure her out.
Speaker A:You just have to start paying attention to her quiet signals.
Speaker A:And if it feels gentle to do so, you might sit with this one question over the weekend.
Speaker A:What did I love before I became so useful?
Speaker A:You don't need to act on the answer.
Speaker A:You don't need to make meaning of it.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:You just notice what surfaces.
Speaker A:You don't have to figure out who you are in this weekend.
Speaker A:You only need to stay curious and gentle and present with whatever comes up.
Speaker A:No urgency, no fixing, just noticing.
Speaker A:I'll meet you back here Tuesday.
Speaker A:This is the Joy Shift with Kylie Suarez.
